“I SPENT 20 YEARS CONTROLLING A ROUND LEATHER BALL, ONLY TO REALIZE IT WAS CONTROLLING ME.”
“I SPENT 20 YEARS CONTROLLING A ROUND LEATHER BALL, ONLY TO REALIZE IT WAS CONTROLLING ME.”
MY STORY
Since the moment I could think for myself, no thought had dominated my mind more than that of following in the footsteps of my father, of being 1 of the mere 0.012% of players to ever sign a professional contract.
But before that dream was to be actualized, I had other opponents to face off with; intense feelings of loneliness, daily panic attacks, being bullied by my peers and shut down by girls for being smaller and weaker than everyone, for choosing not to drink alcohol and for the severe cystic acne that covered my face, neck, chest and back. I was the kid who was 4’ 11” and 84lbs as a freshman in high school. Football (soccer) had become my escape. It was where I felt seen, where I felt valued, and the only place I felt as though I could be 100% myself and that was enough, in fact, it was more than enough.
Until it wasn’t…
MY STORY
On February 22nd, 2018, I learned that life had managed to mask 20 years of pain, give me the opportunity to be vulnerable and then strip me naked in front of the world. After being offered a contract 24hrs earlier, I was told by Queen’s Park Rangers that due to FIFA regulations surrounding my amateur status in the US, they couldn’t sign me.
I needed an out. I was clinging to an identity that was keeping me afloat, and I had no idea what value I was to the world outside of the sport.
For 16 months I was lost…
Then, in a crazy sequence of events, I managed to set up an interview on my podcast with a guy who I’d never heard of before - JuVan Langford. This was a total God moment.
What was meant to be an hour long conversation, turned into 24 months of deep healing work, a lifelong purpose and a vision for an incredible future.
That conversation shifted everything for me. I realized how scared I was. I realized how alone I felt. I realized how deeply confusing my life had become. Most importantly, I realized that I’d been running away from it all.
Here I was again, confronted face to face with my darkest truths, yet this time felt different.
This time, I felt supported. This time, I felt guided.
This time, I wasn’t alone.
